Round Perdition's Flames Interlude: To Every Captive Soul I have to live with this existence, because the only alternative I have is to face the harsh reality. I've lost sight of the person I once hoped to be. I'm afraid to go back to Kaji, afraid that he will become the only person who can validate my existence. I'm afraid to go to work, because my heart is no longer in it. I had always wanted to take my revenge on the Angels, to avenge my father. Why is it that it no longer matters to me? Is it because of Shinji? Is it because everyday I'm forced to look into the eyes of three children, presiding over the deaths of the childhoods? This isn't what I wanted to do with my life. Haven't these children suffered enough? Shinji, Asuka, Rei, haven't they given all they can? If they continue, I fear there won't be anything left of them. Eva always destroys those who come into contact with it. They won't be any exception. Everyday I return to work, my soul feels as though it is condoning their destruction. Sacrifices have to be made, so it is said. But the people who say that don't have to live with two of the people being sacrificed. Why should they have to give it all up for people who don't even appreciate them. Will history even remember their names? Even if it does, it probably won't look back upon them kindly. Modern history has a habit of turning on its greatest heroes. All I want to do is fly into the arms of Kaji. When I'm there, it's as though nothing else matters. But here, I lie awake in my bed. It's so quiet, that I swear I can hear the sounds of both Shinji and Asuka, breathing in their own bedrooms. Somewhere, out in the night, Rei is probably doing the same thing. It isn't right. But it's the way that it is. Such is life. My own suffering doesn't bother me as much as I thought. The night is quiet, and for the moment, we're safe from the Angels. At least, until the next alert. Yet I feel uneasy. I think of the children resting in the other rooms of this apartment. Shinji, he just wants to please people, to be accepted. Must he throw his life away in search of that dream? Why haven't I been able to make him feel more comfortable? I'm not his mother, but I should be able to do something. We care for each other, but sometimes I feel he's frightened of me. Why? I want to reach him, but I fear he won't open up to me. Asuka, easily as complex as Shinji is. The most beautiful girl in Tokyo-3, but she refuses to give up being an ice princess. Sometimes she winds herself so tight I fear she's made her very soul a captive within her own body. She's even more closed off than Shinji. She's locked her true self so deep within her, so that no one can ever hurt her again. But does it really help you, Asuka? To cut off your nose in spite of your face? Does feeling safe mean that much to you? Are you as well off as you think you are? And then there's Rei, who I know so little about. But then, she's not my responsibility when she's not in an Eva. Commander Ikari seems to keep the closest watch on her. Why is he always so concerned exclusively with her, but he takes little interest in his own son? He's delegated all of his paternal authority to me. The Commander isn't really his father anymore, not in a legal sense. I wish I knew more about this parenting stuff. Who am I to tell these kids what they can and can't do? Worst of all, Shinji, have I steered you wrong? Turning onto her side, Misato Katusragi picked up her phone and dialed the number of the one man who understood her. I don't really know how to continue, because I can't see a point to any of it. I serve no purpose here. Everybody hates me. Worst of all, I can't seem to find a way into her good graces. I do not really understand the concept of love, but I definitely hold a passion for her that I can't seem to put out. I want to bury it, I wish that I could reach into my chest and tear out the part of me that feels for her, never to look upon it again. It is as though my very soul is being held hostage by her. Asuka, release me. How can I loosen the hold she has over me, when I think about her once every ten seconds? Why is it that every time I look at her, it strengthens my resolve to get through to her? Why is it I feel that she is the only one who understands me? But if that's true, then why is it that from the moment I first met her, she's given me nothing but bullshit? I told Misato the truth. I don't love Asuka. I can't, not yet. I can't say that I do until I know it's true. I don't even understand what love is. Will I ever? I will not lie about this. Truth be told, I don't know if Asuka and I will work out or not. But I have to keep trying. If I don't, I'll never know. But she continues to ignore me, and I'm too afraid to face her. I never wanted anything more than to be her partner. But she won't accept me, because she hates me. I don't want her to hate me. In the past, if she spoke those words to me, I always knew that they weren't really true, that she was just venting. But now I can no longer be certain. Misato always said I was playing a dangerous game. Now I may have destroyed whatever friendship there was between Asuka and I. I was so foolish to risk it. I want to apologize to her, but I don't know where to start. I want to tell her the truth, but I'm afraid it will only make things worse. I owe her something. But I'm afraid I've done enough already. If I had only known, before tonight, how deep her own hatred and anger truly ran. They're a part of her, as though she's being consumed. But I'm not fit to try and help her. I'm the lowest of the low. The most craven among cowards. I don't even have the courage to look at her anymore. I'm afraid she'll find out. I don't want her to look at me. I'm so frail right now that I'm afraid she'll see through me completely. But isn't that how she sees me now? She never looks at me. She looks around me. To her, I'm just another obstacle in her way. I'm nothing she could want, much less need. I was a fool to think otherwise. I can't help her. She's a time bomb, waiting to go off, and there's nothing I can do. I'll never be able to reach her. I never had a chance. Asuka, you don't want to be reached, do you? You have no interest in saving yourself. You certainly won't allow me or anyone else to save you. Why are you doing this to yourself? To prove some stupid point? No, it's more than that. Asuka, why won't you let me help? There's something inside of you that I can feel....something I know so well. But I can't reach you, because I'm not strong enough. So why can't I run away from you? I have danced with that boy for too long. It's as simple as that. And I don't care what anyone else says, because none of it matters when all is said and done anyway. He's hiding something from me. That really bothers me, because it means he's got something planned. Why the hell is he so friendly towards me all of a sudden? Does he think that is somehow going to make me go easier on him? It's his own damn fault in the first place! If he wasn't such an idiot, maybe I wouldn't have to point out his faults all the time. But until he gets a clue, he's just going to have to deal with it. My life is complicated enough as it is. Why should I have to apologize for trying to hold onto some semblance of a normal life? When all of this stupid Angel business is however, I intend to live one. I've saved the world enough times that it owes me one anyway. So what if I lose myself somewhere on the way? It's not like it's anyone else's business anyway. I remember the person that I was, but somehow I can't seem to figure out exactly who it is that I've become. But I suppose that as long as I can live with who I've become, then it's okay. That's all that really matters anyway. When you get right down to it, life is just one big game. There are winners and there are losers. I've tried to be a winner as often as possible, and I never admit defeat unless there is no other option available. It's the only way I really know how to live. If you're going to do something, you have to give yourself over to it. You can't do it halfway. Otherwise there's no point to doing it at all. So whatever bullshit you're trying to do on me, Shinji, it isn't going to work. Because I don't need you or anyone else here. I can pretend to tolerate you and Misato so long as you don't get in my way. I'm here to prove myself to the world. The rest of you can go to hell for all I care. We're all just pawns, anyway. The government is just using me to further its own agenda. Fine by me, because I'm just as eager to use them to prove myself. It's a working relationship. Nothing we accomplish here is as important as everyone seems to think. If we defeat the Angels, it'll all be forgotten by the next generation. They didn't have to live through it, so they aren't going to care. Why should they? I don't care all that much about Second Impact. I only deal with the consequences of it. It happened a long time ago, and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I deal with it. People make things so complicated sometimes. So why does Misato keep trying to put him onto me? Or does she think I haven't noticed? Can't she ever take a hint? Relationships are one of the most unproductive things I've ever seen. You end up spending all your time and resources solving problems you didn't have when you were single. I don't need that! I don't need to be saved. Especially from someone who doesn't even have a sense of fashion! Everyday he consistently wears the same object. When he changes into shorts around here, it's like some sort of grand occasion. It's enough to really make me sick. The only person who dresses worse than that idiot is Wondergirl. At least she has an excuse! That robot doesn't care about anyone except Commander Ikari. But you'd expect that those stupid stooge friends of Shinji's would at least make him get a wardrobe! Maybe then I could take the idiot a little more seriously. I guess the only reason I care at all about him is because I see so much of myself in him. Dork that he is, I'd still hate to see myself become a total loser. Maybe he isn't completely hopeless, I don't really know. But having a father like that. . .even stupid Shinji deserves better than that. No wonder he hates his father so much. I would too. I guess all anyone really wants in this world is something better. I wish I could trust him to find that, but I worry that one day I'm going to read about him in a newspaper, that he went and killed himself or something. I'm sorry, Shinji, but I don't have the answers to your problems. I don't even have the answers to my own. That's why I prefer to be alone. I don't want people expecting anything out of me. My life is complicated enough as it is. Being responsible for myself is tough enough, I don't want the responsibility of caring for anyone else. This thing, called love? I'd rather leave it than take it. I don't trust anyone enough for that, I'm afraid. Especially myself. Remember, boys and girls, foreshadowing is our friend, right? I think I'm about ready to get back to Perdition now. It's only been, like, what, 8 months. I'm not going to bother with excuses, just the truth. I didn't feel like doing much writing in those months. But rather than just jump back into the action, I've thrown these cryptic reflections into the ring to excite, confuse, and perplex the hell out of everyone. Why? Because I'm evil! As always, send your comments, compliments, questions, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to: Lord Malachite ranger_writer@yahoo.com Normally, this is where the disclaimer would go, but I don't feel like doing it. The same disclaimer as the other chapters applies, if anyone out there cares! This is where I would insert some block about the tragic events of September 11, except I fear that it's becoming too much of a fad, so I won't. Everyone knows how awful it was, so I'm not going to go into it. Turn on your TV if you want to hear about it. Go USA! This concludes my comments on this issue. Are you still here? Sorry, the floor show's over. What can I say, you got screwed again. Go do your homework or something. Or read a good fanfic. Preferably, one of mine. Oh, wait, I said a good fanfic, didn't I? Oh well, go read.....something else. Or not. Whatever. 9/19/01 =============================================================== = This has been an official Swead Entertainment fanfic! = = Visit Swead Entertainment @ http://www.intcon.net/~sonny/se = ===============================================================