Toon Talk II Toon Talk is a production of Graham-Taylor studios. All rights reserved Guests are the property of Walt Disney Co and appear without permission. Geary : Hello, and welcome to another fast paced edition of Toon Talk, where you can speak directly to some of Hollywoods hottest toon stars, and have them provide you with guidance for your day to day needs. With me as always are Splatter, Camille, Mirage, and back by popular demand is our token good girl, Morgana. Camille : I wouldn't call two viewers "popular demand." Splatter : It is when you only have two viewers. Mirage : Look, I brought my talking Urkel doll! Geary : Let's go right to the phones and see what we have today. Welcome to Toon Talk, you're on the air. Gadget : Hello panel, this is Gadget. My problem is that I seem to have attracted a large contingent of drooling fanboys that bother me to no end. Can you sympathize? Splatter : Why do you think we're on this stupid show to begin with? Geary : Hey! I resent that! Mirage : I dunno, I kind of like drooling fanboys. Camille : Depends on whether you mean drooling literally as far as I'm concerned. Morgana : Gee, I've never had a drooling fanboy. Well, there was that one, but then a giant telescope fell on him and he started thinking he was the Queen of England, too. Geary : Why don't you try a restraining order? Mirage : Ooooh, a restraining order! Did you know that I'm also a lawyer? Camille : Why am I not surprised. Mirage : Though I haven't had much time to work on that ever since I took over the Postal Service. Splatter : Why don't you try being less attractive, Gadget. Ask Morgana how she does it. Morgana : Hey! I don't do anything! I'm naturally this way! Splatter : Genetics is a harsh master to serve. Morgana : Geez, I hate you people. Mirage : Geez, I hate you people. Morgana : Cut that out, Mirage! Mirage : Cut that out, Mirage! Morgana : You are the most obnoxious twit I've ever met! And I've met Steven Seeger... Mirage : You are the most obnoxious twit I've ever met! And I've met Steven Seeger... Morgana : Mirage has the hots for Aladdin! Mirage : Mirage has the hots for... hey! Curses, I've been outsmarted again! Splatter : Kind of like how night follow day - Mirage comes up with annoying plot, Mirage is outsmarted. Mirage : That does it, I'm going to start talking about feminine hygiene products in a minute here! Splatter : Like you use any... Geary : Ack, no, anything but that!!! We've gone right into the gutter! Camille : Don't blame us - we just read the cue cards you wrote. Splatter : Like you can read... Mirage : Why don't you people give me any respect? Splatter : You don't wear enough black? Camille : You slashed our tires on your way in? Geary : You're not a duck? Morgana : Because when it comes to being a villainess, you suck. I've coughed up stuff scarier than you. Splatter : Ooooooh, I'm starting to like her! Geary : Ok, ok, let's simmer down here! I tell you what, let's do a nice friendly, non-confrontational game while we wait for our next caller. Morgana: You're not bringing out the strawberry jello swimming pool again, are you? Camille : Poor Magica is still in the hospital from the last time we did that. Splatter : What are you all looking at me for? She bit me first. Don't call down the thunder if you haven't got an umbrella. Geary : No, no - this will be something to get us all better acquainted. I'll ask hypothetical questions, and you give me an answer. Sound fun? Splatter : As fun as root canal. Mirage : I like playing questions and answers! Splatter : I rest my case. Geary : Ok, here we go. If you could come back reincarnated as any dumb animal... Morgana : What do you mean, "dumb" animal? Camille : Are you calling animals dumb? Geary : No, no, what I meant was come back as a non-sentient animal... Mirage : Don't you mean non-sapient. Geary : No, I most certainly don't. Mirage : Fine. Wallow in ignorance. Geary : As I was saying, if you could come back as an animal lacking in higher intelligence, what would you come back as? Splatter : Human male. Camille : Ditto. Mirage : I'll go for that. Morgana : Unanimous. Geary : Is it me, or did the temperature in here just drop twenty degrees? Splatter : Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Geary : Come on, snugglewumpus, why are you being so difficult? Splatter : Stop that. Not in front of the normals. Geary : Oh, what's the matter with my widdle honey wiggums? Splatter : Stop that! Geary : My little angel puss luvey wuvey Hallmark artist of love? Splatter : One more word out of you and I'll rip your spleen out through your eye socket with an oyster fork!!! Geary : You taking notes on this Mirage? Mirage : I'll be sure to work it into my new book, How to Lose Friends and Annoy People. Geary : Okay, okay, let's go to the phones and try again. Next caller! Butthead : This show sucks! Beavis : Yeah! Heh-heh. This show sucks! Geary : Hey, do you guys have a problem? Splatter : More of the genetically-challenged. Mirage : Ooooh, I *like* these guys! They're clever! Butthead ; Hey, Cat-woman, you're no Michelle Pfeiffer! Beavis : Yeah, heh-heh, good one Butthead! Mirage : These guys are hysterical! I could listen to them for hours and never get tired of this! Camille : I've got two words for you guys - Pet Rock. Morgana : You're on minute 14 of your 15 of fame. Make it a good one. Mirage : What? Don't tell me you guys don't love this! Geary : Alright, let's just take a break from calls and see what's on our panelists minds. Mirage : I can recite Pi to ten thousand decimal places. Morgana : I'm wondering why I keep getting included on this show. Camille : I'm trying to figure out where Karnage and his ship full of men were calling from. Splatter : I'm trying to figure out how a show so lame can avoid getting cancelled. Geary : Sorry, Splatter, we're a crude, vulgar show with no redeeming values and hideous ratings. But since we're shown on Fox, we're guarenteed to last indefinitely like that. Mirage : Tell me about it. Who do you think came up with Married with Children? Did I mention I'm also a Fox programing executive? Splatter : Mirage, get professional help. Mirage : Hah. I once annoyed a psychiatrist in Boston so much he moved to Seattle just to get away from me! Camille : You know what I'd like to know? How come Geary always go nuts for Splatter and not for me? Why is that? Splatter : The last remaining molecule of good taste in his body? Geary : No, seriously, I think it has more to do with Splatter. She's got a wonderful vocal manner. Camille : I've got that, too. Geary : She's got that luxurious dark hair. Camille : I've got that, too. Geary : She's got that psychotic, sociopathic attitude. Camille : I've got that, too. Geary : She's got a tongue like an anteater. Camille : Ooooh, now we're getting somewhere. Splatter : You get any farther and you'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. Geary : Er, yes dear. On that note, let's go to a commercial break from our sponsor. ********************************************************************* Narrator : Graham and Taylor studios are proud to present their seventh full length feature animated film : The Lion Constitutional Monarchy! Follow the adventures of Dimba, the young lion prince as he learns of his destiny... Dimba : You mean some day I will rule all of this? Mufarsa : Well, rule in a loose sense. Actually, your job will be mostly to get involved in embarrassing sex scandals with commoners to distract the populace from their own meaningless lives. Narrator : Learn how Dimba's evil uncle plots to have embarrassing sex scandals of his own... Unsightly Blemish : Soon, my moronic minions, I will be crowned as the token emblem of an outmoded aristocratic lifestyle! Kamikaze : Gee, boss, with the coming of the next phase of post-modern development, I would think that true power would best be derived from an economic standpoint based on post-colonial exploitation of natural resourses. Saki : True, with a diversified multinational portfolio we can optimize our potential to manipulate the proletariat while allowing the scandals of your half-wit brother to divert attention from our machinations. Fred : Heh, heh, heh!!! Unsightly Blemish : Never! I want to be the embarrassing figurehead! Kamikaze : Well, you're the boss... Narrator : Watch Dimba meet new cuddly and marketable sidekicks! Simon : Here, Dimba, have some worms to eat! Dimba : Gee, these kind of look like Gummi worms. Rumba : Well, they kind of are. The SPCA doesn't let us eat real worms. Narrator : Following in the tradition of other Graham-Taylor classics like The Diminuitive Half-Fish Half-Woman Person and The Hot Babe and The Royal Ugly Dude, the critics are raving over The Lion Constitutional Monarchy! Siskel : Incredible! Graham-Taylor have hit new lows in this latest piece of celluloid trash! Ebert : Especially the musical numbers! Rapping lions?!?! I had nightmares for weeks... Rex Reed : The only thing possibly worse than this would be if a studio ripped off an old Japanese cartoon and released it as their own! Jay Sherman : It stinks! Narrator : The Lion Constitutional Monarchy - coming soon to the dollar bargain theatre near you! ********************************************************************* Splatter : You mean we're our only sponsor? Geary : Well, we did have some others, but a woman in Michigan threatened to boycott, so they all wimped out on us. Morgana : That movie makes me ashamed to be seen on this show. Geary : You realize that you're being paid as a percentage of that movie's profits, don't you? Morgana : What I meant to say was, it would be a shame if everyone didn't go out and see that movie! Geary : That's better. I found life to be so much easier once I had my sense of shame surgically removed. Oh, look, we've got another caller! Welcome to Toon Talk, you're on the air! Tad Stones : You insufferable twit! Did you really think you would get away with this?!? Geary : What the... I thought we were screening these calls! Tad Stones : You disgusting sicko! Get your own characters! Quit using mine for your twisted and perverted ramblings! Geary : Looks like we're about out of time for today! Tad Stones : Disney has hit-men on staff, you know! Don't think I won't use them! I know where you live! I've eaten guys tougher than you for breakfast! Geary : Join us next week when we'll be broadcasting from a remote location in the mountains of Peru. Until then, stay tooned!