Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers "Honey, I Shrunk the Cops" Written by Michael Gibby Characters herein areŠ Walt Disney corporation. Distribute freely, but do not modify. (Scene opens with Prof. Nimnul throwing darts at an unseen object.) Nimnul : I can't believe it. Those two cops seem to stop me every time I try to pull off an incredible heist. But I'll get even. (Nimnul's morning paper arrives at his doorstep. There is a picture of Muldoon and Kirby on the front page. The headline reads, "Police Officers Commended for Services to the City.") Nimnul : What?! 'Officers Muldoon and Kirby to receive an award for stopping mad scientist Norton Nimnul time and time again?!' Mad?! Me?! I'll show them! And I'll start at that awards ceremony tomorrow. (Nimnul throws two darts simultaneously and each dart hits the unseen object, which turns out to be pictures of Muldoon and Kirby.) (Scene shifts to the park that the Rescue Rangers live in. The awards ceremony for Muldoon and Kirby is about to begin. Stan Blather is beginning to speak to the television audience.) Stan Blather : This is Stan Blather. In just a few moments, the Mayor will be giving the "Golden Nightstick Award" to Officers Muldoon and Kirby for their extraordinary services to the Police Department and to this fair city. (Camera shifts to the inside of Rescue Ranger Headquarters. Chip is busy straightening up the front room before leaving to watch the ceremony.) Chip : Hurry up everyone! The ceremony is about to begin. (Monterey Jack walks out of a nearby hallway, grumbling.) Monty : I don't see why they're gettin' an award for somethin' they didn't do. After all, we're the ones who stop Nimnul every time. We should get the award. Chip : The reason we aren't getting an award is because no humans know about what we do. We do it to stop people like Nimnul, not because we're looking for glory. Monty : Well, maybe it's time they noticed. (By now, the rest of the Rangers have entered the room.) Chip : Well, now that everyone's here, we can go outside for the ceremony. (Camera shifts to a view of the crowd. Nimnul is there, dressed as a homeless person. Nimnul looks into his inside jacket pocket, pats it, and continues moving to the front of the crowd.) (Camera shows a shot of the platform and podium. The Mayor moves to the podium and begins to speak.) Mayor : Greetings to the citizens of this fine city who are here, and to those of you who are watching at home. Will Officers Muldoon and Kirby please come here. (Muldoon and Kirby advance to the podium. Mayor pulls out two gold trophies.) Mayor : Officers Muldoon and Kirby, in honor of your services to this city, I give you both the "Golden Nightstick Award." (As Muldoon and Kirby are about to accept their awards, Nimnul pulls the Gigantico Ray Gun from the pocket he looked in earlier. The gun is set to "Reverse." Nimnul then fires at Muldoon and Kirby. A direct hit. The two officers are shrunk to the size of mice. The Mayor drops the trophies in shock, nearly crushing Muldoon. Panic ensues, and Nimnul rushes up, grabs Muldoon and Kirby, and runs away.) (Camera shifts to the Rescue Rangers. All have shocked expressions on their faces.) Dale: Did you see that? That hobo just ran off with Muldoon and Kirby! Gadget : That was no hobo! That was Professor Nimnul! I'd know that bald spot anywhere. Chip : You're right! It was Nimnul! We've got to rescue them. Monty : Right, but where do we start looking? He could be anywhere by now. (Scene changes to inside Nimnul's laboratory. Nimnul walks in, maniacally laughing.) Nimnul : I did it! I did it! Now the whole city will know that my inventions work, and I'll have my revenge as well. (Nimnul throws Muldoon and Kirby into a mouse cage.) Muldoon : You're crazy, Nimnul! They never should have let you out of the Loony Bin! I wouldn't be surprised if you started ranting and raving about rodents and flies again. Nimnul : What do you mean 'crazy?' I was tricked by a fly! You shouldn't even have been receiving those awards! It was those vermin who stopped me all those times! Kirby : Yeah, right! I suppose next you'll tell us that those rodents talked to you. Nimnul : Well, they did! Now, both of you, shut up! I have more important things to do, like buy a cat to feed you to if the city doesn't give me ten million dollars by noon tomorrow. (Nimnul leaves, laughing as before. Muldoon and Kirby begin talking to one another.) Kirby : Man, that guy's a few eggs short of a dozen. Muldoon : Yeah. Who'd believe that a bunch of rodents could stop criminals? That's almost as bad as a cat being a crime boss. (Scene shifts to a view of the city. The Ranger Wing flies through the camera's field of vision. A shot of the Rangers in the seats, with Gadget at the controls.) Dale: We've been looking for hours, and I still haven't seen any sign of Nimnul. Chip : Don't give up. We've got to find them. Gadget : Wait a minute! Remember when Nimnul was using all of us mice as natural generators? He might be at that same laboratory. You know, the one that was shaped like a ball? Chip : You're right, Gadget! Let's get over there and see if that's where he is. (The Ranger Wing veers off the straight line it has been traveling in, and heads toward the mountains.) (Scene shifts to outside Nimnul's laboratory. The Ranger Wing lands on the ground right next to the wall.) Monty : He's in there, all right. I can hear him laughing. Chip : Now all we have to do is find a way inside. Monty, you and Gadget look around to the left. Dale, you and I can start looking to the right. Zipper, you try to find an open window. We'll meet on the other side. (The Rangers split up, each going in the direction Chip told them to.) (Scene shifts to Muldoon and Kirby's cage. Muldoon is trying to pick the lock with his badge.) Kirby : Hurry up, Muldoon! We gotta get loose and get back to normal before that nut comes back. Muldoon : I've been thinking. What if we just shot at Nimnul when he comes back? Kirby : Nah, our guns are too small now. Besides, even if we could do some damage, how would we get out? He has the only key. (Nimnul walks in, with a cat carrier and a video camera under his arm. Muldoon stops working at the lock. Nimnul sets the cat carrier behind their cage, then sets up his video camera.) Nimnul : Well, how are my favorite cops doing today? I hope you didn't think about escaping, because after I get done making the ransom video, I'm going to release my new pet. It would be a shame if you were to be caught by Fang here, because he gets very hungry. (Muldoon and Kirby turn around to look at the cat, who strikes his best frightening pose. The two policemen quickly turn around again.) Nimnul : Now, unless you want to become cat food with badges, I suggest you follow this script exactly. (Nimnul hands them shrunken pieces of paper.) (Scene shifts to outside of Nimnul's laboratory. The Rangers are just reconvening. Zipper starts buzzing excitedly.) Monty : You found a way in. Muldoon and Kirby in a cage. Nimnul has a new cat. Making a ransom video. Cat food with badges? We gotta get in there! Chip : You're right, Monty. Zipper, lead us to the opening. (Rangers run out of camera's view.) (Scene shifts to about five feet below an open window. Zipper carries a rope up to the window and secures it. The Rangers begin climbing. As they reach the top, Chip begins to speak.) Chip : I hope we're not too late. (As they look in the window, Nimnul is completing his ransom video.) Muldoon : ... and if you ever want to see us again... Kirby : ... just leave ten million dollars... Muldoon : ... in unmarked bills... Kirby : ... on the steps of the public library... Muldoon : ... by noon tomorrow. Nimnul : And, cut! Marvelous! You two should be on TV Kirby : Stick it in your ear Nimnul! Muldoon : Yeah, you'll never get away with this! Nimnul : Well, maybe not. But I'll have fun trying! (Nimnul releases Fang, then leaves with the camera, laughing as before. Camera shifts to the Rangers.) Chip : Well, Rangers, it seems we've got our work cut out for us. Dale: They must have used dull scissors, 'cause I can't see what our work is. Chip : You nimrod, we have to set those cops free and get them back to normal size. Come on. (The Rangers climb up to the cage.) Muldoon : That shrinking gizmo must have done something to my eyes, because I'm seein' rodents with clothes on. Kirby : Then it did it to mine too, 'cause I see the same thing. Does one of yours have long blond hair? Muldoon : Yeah. Kirby : Then we're in deep trouble. Gadget : Oh, don't worry. We won't hurt you. Kirby : Great, now they're talking. Muldoon : I think that when we take Nimnul to the psycho ward, we should check in too. Monty : You're not crazy. We are wearing clothes, and we can talk. Kirby : Hey, I know you. You're that mouse who's always stealing Sgt. Spinelli's cheese. Monty : It's not my fault. I can't control myself around any kind of cheese. Except that rubber stuff that some pizza parlors use. Muldoon : Yeah, come to think of it, I've seen all of you guys at the station. Who are you, anyway? Chip : We're the Rescue Rangers. The guys who always stop criminals that the Police either can't handle or are unable to touch, because they're animals. Kirby : What do you mean? Monty : Remember the time that all the armored helicopters were being robbed, and you couldn't figure out who was doing it? Well, we caught the crooks and returned the jewels all without you knowing what happened. Kirby : Well, who was doing that anyway? Dale: A cat crime boss named Fat Cat, his gang, and three Jamaican fruit bats. Muldoon : When did you start doing this? Chip : About the time that Detective Drake retired. We helped recover the gold that Klordane stole. Kirby : Well, can you get us out of here? We don't feel like becoming kitty krunchies. Gadget : No problem. (Gadget picks the lock with her tail. The cage opens and Muldoon and Kirby get out.) Muldoon : That was good! Remind me to call you the next time I lock my keys in the car. Dale: Well, let's get out of here. I don't want to see Nimnul's cat any time soon. (Nimnul returns from delivering the ransom video.) Nimnul : You again? How many times do I have to extort people before you stop meddling? Muldoon : He recognizes you? Chip : Yeah, we're the vermin he was so paranoid about after he arrived at 911 through the phone lines. Kirby : You do get around, don't you. Let's get outta here! Gadget : We need to get the Gigantico gun from Nimnul first. Muldoon : He left it on the other end of this table, but we have to get past Fang. Monty : I've handled bigger cats than him. Just lemme at 'em. (Monty goes to the other end of the table then returns with the gun and Fang.) Monty : Would you believe it? This guy's actually one of our biggest fans! Fang : I've heard so much about you guys. Could I have your autographs? (Fang pulls out an autograph book and a pen. Each of the Rangers sign their names.) Nimnul : What are you waiting for, you stupid cat? Get them! (Fang attacks Nimnul.) Gadget : You find your most devoted fans in the strangest places. (The Rangers and police go through the window and down the rope. They soon arrive at the Ranger Wing.) Muldoon : Where did you get this? Chip : Gadget built it. She's a real genius. Gadget : Oh, I wouldn't say genius. Prodigy, maybe. But not genius. (They all pile into the Ranger Wing and take off.) Kirby : Vertical takeoff and everything! You did a great job. (Scene shifts to R.R.H.Q. Muldoon and Kirby are looking around in amazement. Gadget is dissecting the Gigantico gun to see what makes it tick.) Kirby : I never thought that rodents could even think like humans, but I guess I was wrong. This place is better than my own apartment. Muldoon : Hey, be careful with that ray gun. If you can't get it back together we'll be stuck like this. It's kind of hard to intimidate criminals when you're only six inches tall. Monty : We're all six inches or shorter and we manage just fine. Muldoon : Well you've been this small all your lives. We've only been short for a few hours. Monty : Listen, mate. You can moan and complain all you want, but without us you'll never get back to normal. Chip : Hey, you two. Stop fighting. We're supposed to be on the same side here. Both : He started it! Kirby : Shut up, Muldoon. I've got seniority and I say we cooperate with these guys. Now, if you can't behave, I'll send you back to Nimnul's to become Fang's next meal. Chip : And you'll go with him, Monty. Unless you can both show a little maturity and stop fighting. Monty : They're right, mate. We are on the same side, so we can't start fightin' amongst ourselves. Friends? Muldoon : Friends. Hey, Kirby. Didn't I get on the squad two months before you did? Kirby : Yeah, but I got off a foot beat three months ahead of you. Gadget : This ray gun is amazing. It must've taken Nimnul months to design and build it. I wonder how much it cost him. Dale: He probably stole all the materials he needed from Radio Schmuck. Didn't cost him a dime. Gadget : Well, with a little hard work, I should be able to get it working again. Other Rangers : Should? Muldoon : What's wrong? Monty : Whenever she says "should," it means it'll either end up injuring us for a long time or it just won't work. Kirby : Uh-oh. Gadget : This would really help us in our work. Think of how much easier it would be to catch crooks if we were twice as big as them. Chip : The police are several times bigger than Fat Cat and Rat Capone, and they still can't stop them. I think we're better off being this size. (Scene shifts to outside the tree. Nimnul is sneaking up to it.) Nimnul : It's bad enough that those rodents released my hostages, but then they had to steal my Gigantico gun, too. At least I know where to find them. (Dale looks out the window and sees Nimnul on the ground.) Dale: We've got company. Nimnul : All right you miserable rodents. Hand over my Gigantico gun! Gadget : I've almost got it back together. Keep him busy. Dale: No Gigantico gun here. Try the sycamore next door. Gadget : I've got it reassembled. But are we going to give it to him? Nimnul : Come on, let me have it! Chip : You asked for it. (Chip and Dale shrink Nimnul with the Gigantico gun. Monty goes down and takes him prisoner.) Nimnul : That's not what I meant. Monty : Too bad. How's it feel to be a prisoner yourself? (Monty brings Nimnul up into the tree. Muldoon and Kirby slap the handcuffs on him.) Kirby : You're under arrest, Nimnul. Now how many times have I said that? Muldoon : I lost count around twenty. I guess you got the Gigantico gun working. Gadget : Yes, but we'll have to restore you outside. (Muldoon and Kirby are restored to their normal size.) Kirby : We'll restore Nimnul in his own jail cell. Thanks for your help. I can't wait to tell Spinelli about this one. Muldoon : Do you think he'd believe us? Nimnul went to the Funny Farm when he started blabbering about them. We'll just say he forgot to lock the cage. (Kirby drops Nimnul in his shirt pocket and they both return to the police station.) Monty : Just like them to steal the credit. Chip : Muldoon was right, though. Nobody would believe that they were rescued by four rodents and a fly. Dale: Yeah, like nobody would believe that a rat would be a real threat to jewelry stores. THE END